Donating clothing and saying goodbye

 I'm standing in Tess’s closet right now. Um, these are her clothes and you know, it's been now over a year and so, you know, I'm thinking I need to donate these clothes and essentially that's what I'm going to do. But I am taking a last look and I am I guess surprised. I'm not sure what the word is, but you know, I don't expect that I'm going to be so emotionally moved by this, but I know that I Well, basically, I'm I'm shooting this video because I knew that I would be because it's just making a change.It's another step in the acknowledgment, you know, that she's not here. And that's a big deal. And uh you know I think I'm coping very well. You know I think I am. People think I am. I go through moments times you know when things aren't that great. But you know I know I hate to use that phrase but she's in a better place. Yeah she's in a better place because she is no longer suffering mentally, emotionally, physically nothing. She's at peace. I'm not at peace. I'm still, you know, mourning, I guess. And,you know, I think I have a very good friend I've been talking to quite a bit. And I think as much as anything, I miss our life. I miss the life that we lived. It was our life that, you know, had different parts, moving parts to it. And uh I don't want to overstate this because I don't want to have to delete anything. I'm going to stop here. All right. So, this is part two because as I said, I I miss her. Yes. But I miss us. I miss who I was when she was, you know, and again using a cliche, my better half. Once we combined ourlives together and and you know decided this is how it's going to be. We worked together as a team and and you know we didn't agree on everything. We I don't know we agreed on a lot of good things. Thank you God. But certainly we had our arguments. And I think that might be one of the true tests of love is being able to argue and get angry at each other and yet still know and really know that you love each other. I think that's a big deal. And so I think if I give her clothes away today, I'm I'm taking away a part of ourlife, a tangible reminder of who we were, who I was, and that's going to be that's hard to do. I'm doing it. I'm going to go ahead with it. I'm looking around the closet. These are her clothes. I you know, I be before this I'm going to stop again. I was going to say before doing this video, I really didn't look in her closet unless I had a reason to come in here to get something and a while back quite honestly uh I we went uh we visited Charlotte, brought a luggage and so forth and clothing and uh I thought Imight have left my shirt behind this one, this green one, but as it turned out I had just put it on a hanger with other stuff and hung it up in here and so I found it. But other than that, I had no other reasons really to come in here. So, in many ways, I'm visiting Tess in her little environment, you know, where she had her stuff. And so, I've said this, you know, I'm going to stop again. I've said this, you know, that yes, we were married for 46 years. That's a long time to be in the same house together and work together and youknow have your disagreements and have your agreements and have your love and have your moments of frustration. But all in all, you're you become one. It is you do merge. You do become one in many ways. And now by giving away her clothing, I'm giving away her independence or her identity. But it's also me. It It's also who I was. And so it's a big deal. So that's why I've been telling people everything you do is selfish. But what I mean by that is when you give and you get so much back in reward as far as, you know, youfeel so good about yourself if you just feel so good doing it that the reward is there. But anyway, I'm going to give these clothes away because I know this is what she would want me to do. I'm going to stop again. I'm going to give away Tessa's clothes today because I know this is what she would want me to do. That's an important part. That is an important part because Tess wouldn't want me to hang on to these clothes or sell them and make money or anything like that. It's just a matter of, youknow, this is her life. This is who she was. This is what she accumulated and, you know, gave her a a good feeling. And I love her. I just love her. And that's the beauty of falling in love and being married is that if you truly love that person and they love you, it's kind of a shocking thing. It's in some ways if you really stop to think about it, it's pretty amazing that any two people have enough caring for each other that they'll get married. And and as I say, she took my name, which even then in themodern age, I I thought maybe she'd keep her own name, which would be fine, but she didn't. She took my name, but these are these are her things, and I'm going to handle them delicately. I'm going to put them in the car and I'm going to take them to uh the hospice store where they can go to good use for other people. And that's it. So, it's another big day. I I'm I'm just I have another one because, you know, like I said, this is the letting go part. It's tough. So, I come in here. I've I've really rarely rarely ever comein here for any reason except, like I said, to look for my shirt one time. But I'm coming in here now and seeing all this stuff. And I feel like I'm getting to know Tess again. And and I think that's the whole thing about losing someone and and not forgetting them or pushing them aside. I feel like I'm still learning who she is, who she was. And you know, I was noticing that a lot of her clothes are are literally new. And you know, that's that's what nothing was extravagant. I mean, this was it.But my reason for pointing it out, a lot of these are new. And that showed, I don't know, a sense of her quality, her dignity, that she was still in some ways planning and thinking ahead. And also, she always wanted to look nice. She always looked nice. She always took pride, well, she took pride in how she looked, but she was always very, very humble about it. And, you know, I would try to compliment her. And if I said, "Oh, baby, you look beautiful." or something. Boy, I'm not beautiful. And so, you know, it would be like thiswhere it was just so funny how you could have an argument about whether or not someone your your wife is beautiful. But she was beautiful and is beautiful and you know her clothes very modest and yet nice and nice looking. And again, um today I'm saying goodbye saying goodbye to her clothes. uh and in some ways saying goodbye to our life that we live together. So letting go it's it's tough. So apparently I'm going to just keep talking about this as I go, which is fine. I mean, you know, it's my life,my blog, my feelings, you know, and that's why I'm doing this whole thing is to preserve that, preserve my feelings about things as they happen. And, you know, there's a part of me right now, and that's why I started again, a part of me that's saying, you know, should I call Lauren? Should I ask, does she want any of these clothes or anything? And I know the answer is no. She's already been through the closet. She's already been through this stuff. She's gotten what she, you know, needs. And this issomething that I have to do alone. That's the thing. That's the point that I was kind of making here. There are certain things you do together. And there are certain things you do alone. And this is one of them. And you don't really know these things until you're doing them. But I don't want to I want these clothes to be used by people who want them and need them and who like them. I don't want to give them to somebody I know or offer them and have them deciding and oh should I take this or that? It just is not right.You know there's something about anonymity or whatever. you just, you know, you I'm just giving these to hospice because I know that they will put them to good use and good people will come in. But as I said, I have this kind of little twin. Should I be calling Lauren about this and I'm answering to myself? No, because I did call her about the coat. She's made a few visits here to go over things or go through things. This is it. This this these are the clothes and these clothes fit Tess. They fit her body. They fit her style. Theyfit her personality. They were part of her. And you know, now now I'm saying goodbye. Okay. All right. So, I guess I'm going to do a video for every group that I take to the car and thoughts that happen along the way. I I just was saying there are certain things you just have to do alone and and you know and that's true and this is one of those um and I know other people out there are going through this because of these um should I call them groups or clubs that I'm in the death cafe and the hospicegroup which I'm doing this purposely because I'm going to go to that group this afternoon and I'm gonna probably I'm hopefully going to vent about this because again And I think other people go through this and there's some comfort in sharing it. Even though as I said it's something you have to do alone. This whole process has been being alone but also being connected to other people. And I kind of want to make that point because the connections that I've felt with other people are very very strong and very very meaningful. And youknow, thank God for that because to literally be alone would probably be worse. And you know, sharing with other people that have experienced loss, there's a certain commonality. There's a certain commonality of experience that even if you do talk about some of the details, there's just a kind of knowing. There's just a kind of knowing that you know that what you've been through. And so that's why we're doing it. See this little teddy bear? That's something my mom gave us. Who knows? Probably whenLauren was a baby. And of course the cat went after it, I guess. But so we hid him away, but here he is. And you know, sentimental things. Now, am I going to give that away? No. Could a child use it? Yes. Am I going to use it? No. But, you know, I can look at that little face and say, "God bless mom and dad and everybody. Everybody who's been just a part of my life." And I'm noticing as I go, everything is pristine. Everything is essentially new or like new. And you know, she took meticulous care ofeverything. And uh I just never really gave it too much thought. Now I'm giving it thought so much. But, you know, the thing here is um these are beautiful clothes that other people can use and I just really hope that they do and I know that they will go to good use. And um I can't Well, I'm just going to keep saying it, I guess. I just love you, Tess. I love you. I love you. You know, you spunky little monkey that you just you wore me out and you didn't hold back, but I know you love me. And we used to kind of saythat among all of our fighting and everything, you know, I still love you. Well, that's a good thing. So, here are all your clothes and get them packed away to give away. Every day when Tess came home when we were moving up here and she was still working in Spartanberg, she'd come home and she'd start singing, "Mama loves the baby boy better than life itself. Better than life. Better than life. Better than life itself. Mama loves a baby boy better than life itself. Better than life. Better than life. Better than lifeitself. Somebody questioned her about that. Somebody said, "You like you love him more than better than life itself." Gosh, it's a it's a it's a phrase, but yeah, I mean, loving your dog is part of just loving life. And you know, I'm going to I'm going to stop and start again. Loving your dog is part of loving life. And they're so innocent, so wonderful. I've been sharing a lot of videos recently with my friend who loves his dog and another person and it's just the fact that you know you can love yourdog and they never get tired of it and they never say okay enough is enough and they never you know they're just always there for you and Tess loved her her Zeke who she named and before that it was Dolce and she sang the song for both of them and the loss of Dolce was huge. huge. And it took us a long time to be ready to open up again. But thank God we did cuz now Zeke is here for me. And Zeke, you're not going to look at me. That's how life is. Oh, you did look at me. Okay. But you know that I love youjust like I did. Well, I can't really claim that. I mean, I love you as much as I can love you, too.