This new update by Apple has screwed up everything again now you can’t just copy and paste stuff into blogger or into anything without some sort of special permission and now the microphone is disabled in Blog so I’m going to dictate into this note and then copy and paste, assuming it will let me

I’ve got the last few days on my mind with regard to being suddenly single in my relationship with Jennifer. It’s just been great. It’s been wonderful. I’ve been very romantically inclined towards her and kind of lavishing her with love last night. We went over to Bob and Bob, we skipped Bob And Dianes New Year’s party and went to John’s and Judy’s house yesterday and there’s actually at John’s house. John was just on point. I mean it was just a great evening. I’m gonna talk to Linda later but the the whole mood was positive and John made a fabulous dinner of roast chicken and all the side dishes I brought a couple of side dishes that I had worked on. They ate my cranberry sauce, which was good, but they didn’t really eat the collard greens that I had made that I worked so hard on so I was just kind of funny that you work on something and then that goes completely unnoticed but the bottom line was John and Judy seemed to be very affectionate with each other throughout the night and then we toured the house and looked at all of Karel‘s necklaces that she had made and you know a lot of of this was to kind of bring Jennifer up-to-date with who crow was and you know her spiritual connections which were deep and I think they would’ve made great friends and it was just very insightful. I went up in the rooms that I had never seen in 15 years of being friends and Karel has probably thousands of necklaces that she made I mean obviously this was an obsession for her, but John supported it and they’re beautiful necklaces from my point of view ironically when we got home, Jennifer brought home three of them and she said I just brought these two I just took them to be nice. She didn’t really like them and that was kind of an interesting insight that And Jennifer said well that’s the story of my life. Just kind of trying to please people and not saying no well somehow other we just jumped into this topic of her divorce with Robert and and she’s never mentioned it. We’ve never talked about it and how he came up on not quite even sure but I was just wow this is something. I’m very interested in. How did you guys get divorced? Why did you get divorced? Everything she ever says about him as you know what a great guy was and how much the family loved him and you know all this good stuff all the things they did together, and she basically repeated or told me that she felt lonely in the relationship. She felt very lonely. she felt like she was just part of the furniture and then she went on to say that they had no passion that Robert showed no passion towards her and you know I was trying to learn. I was trying to not be you know probing or whatever let her say what she wants to say, but I told him you’re not very interested in this and then the I don’t know. I have this tendency then to talk about myself which I did and I spilled out you know one of the I said one of these days I’ll tell you about my girlfriends and she said well I bet you had more than me and I said I don’t know but then I listed a few and I said I had never gotten married, which I was thankful for which is just true. I’ve just I’ve really been very honest with her which is fine but then again how much honesty your information do you need so that’s one of them I’m debating here in my blog. I mean, I can be honest without toner. Oh yeah, I was in love with Patti or I was in love with Mario. You know all the different things that I went through in the meantime the thing that sticking with me here is that she said that Robert had no passionate he kind of yelled back at her. I’m not passionate about anything and then she said well you know maybe he was passionate about the dogs and then another thing she said was they never argued and she said you know I think arguing is probably better or healthier and I agreed with her and I said yeah we argued a lot but then you know then we’re saying good night and so I stood up to her and I gave her a hug and and I kind of leaned down to kiss her, and I felt like she was turning her head and I said something like you know you’re ducking me or something and anyway there was a quick exchange where I said I’m not I don’t know what to do. I’m I’m not sure what to do and she said something like either I know or anyway I’m not sure why it’s being so vague in my mind my memory here because the feeling that I have was wow am I not passionate enough towards her or that she want more passion or do we want more passion you know do I want more passion? I don’t know and what I haven’t said to her and what goes through my mind as you know, we’re never gonna have sex we’re never gonna get married you know and yet we have this very romantic relationship, but can you really have that if I were to say those things you can’t take them back once you say it you can’t take it back so that’s the irony of it. A lot of things that Jon and Judy do they travel and they planning they’re planning their next trip they might go to Cancun or whatever and I’m just sitting there like you know I’m not doing that. I’m not planning that we’re not planning anything. Maybe we’ll go to Holland, Michigan to her brother or you know, but I don’t even wanna go to Charlotte with her because I’m not gonna spend the night with Jennifer And my daughter‘s house and I really don’t want to start going back to a motel. I just don’t wanna have that level of physical intimacy with Jennifer meme. We’re going on 80 years old and I love her. I say that because I do I love her. I love little things she says I find her physically attractive she’s cute her eyes she has smiling eyes. I love you know connecting with her last night in the light. I was kind of staring at her. I was looking across at her, and I don’t know her eyes. I mean, I think she has had cataract surgery anyway the point of all this blabbing is what am I gonna do? A part of me thinks we’re just gonna break up and then I think well why would we do that? What’s the point of that or why would you think that and I think it’s just the negative feelings that intrude upon myself that well I’m not fun and entertaining like John you know somehow they’re giggling and laughing and being affectionate Jennifer and I are sitting on the couch once in a while I kind of tapper on the knee or whatever but you know we’re not all lovey-dovey like that and I don’t know if I’ll ever be that way and I don’t know if it’s important to be that way but again I enjoy holding her and hugging her and the other night New Year’s Eve. I played in the middle of the night and we danced slow dance. I had built that up in my mind so much to have that romantic dance, and I went through the process. I asked you to dance we danced the next day you know, and we laughed a lot during the dance because it did feel a little bit silly and you know Suddenly three minutes seemed like a long time to stand there rocking back-and-forth and hugging each other where when I was a kid got those minutes seem like they flew by and those of those were girls. I didn’t even know just the idea of dancing with somebody I think the thrill of the excitement of being close to a Girl and feeling her sweater and feeling you know her the pressure of her breast maybe and I felt that with Jennifer you know I felt she’s a woman but you know it’s just not the same when you’re 78 years old 77 whatever you are you know you just don’t have that impulse to wanna go further and yet I do want to kiss her I’m thinking in terms of you know kissing her and then I’m not getting her aroused you know which is what we would do. Normally I mean this is what we would do and I’ve almost said this to her that you know if we were dating, we would’ve been sleeping together months ago, and that’s the truth I mean essentially any of the girls that I went out with all those younger years were you know within a couple days you were sleeping together and then you know, living together in some cases with Patti and Then pretty much Patti and Mara there’s the only ones Account, but I was really in love with Patti passionately in love with Patti, I loved Mara but you know we did break up and it wasn’t a heartbreaking thing. It was her. It was it was difficult. I don’t know, but it wasn’t like oh my God I was emotionally crushed or anything. We just knew we weren’t gonna get married and that was the end of it then then I was like I’m not gonna get involved with anybody because I don’t wanna go through this again and then I met test and then within months we were married so that’s the way that goes and we slept together the first night so one thing she said last night was yeah she’s a Catholic also cause I talked about the 60s and shacking up she said not with a went out with a Catholic girl or she didn’t have that experience and you know she did say you probably have more girlfriends you know our relationship relationships than I did, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t wanna lose her. I don’t know what we’re gonna do next week. We’re gonna go out today. We’re gonna go do the sound therapy. Oh that’s something that Jon did last night which was great. Played the bowl. That was really cool and so we’ll probably do that again today and then I don’t know what I just don’t know what and I don’t really need to know what we’ve been talking about let the universe decide and you know she’s very woo. She really is who a lot of the stuff she talks about. I really don’t get and I’m you know I’m I’m a little bit fascinated with it because because it’s hard but looking at the moon every minute, you know, looking up at the moon oh wow, there’s the moon you know I just I don’t feel a passion for it you know and then she has her labyrinth and I’ll help her with that I’ll do the physical work if there is any I did a lot of work for and she appreciates it and maybe that’s the way our relationship will be. I’ll be the guy that comes over and does some yard work or does some help around the house? She’s the girl who doesn’t cook who you know we’re not gonna have sex together, but you know we can go do things. We’re not gonna do things at night because I don’t wanna drive at night. It might be you know am I being a baby or am I cutting off opportunities? I don’t know but you know John and Judy went to the New Year’s Eve party last night. They got home safely. Judy talked about getting lost on the way to John’s trying to find John’s house and getting lost and then you know turning around you know not using Google maps with Google maps got me lost but you know the point is Judy is 80 years old. she is getting feeble. She does look young. She’s in good shape for an 80 year-old but you know she can’t drive and I heard her say yesterday she doesn’t want to drive at night obviously Jon did drive obviously either he didn’t drink much or didn’t drink at all. We didn’t delve into it. Maybe I will if I get alone with John, but that’s the thing one of Jennifer‘s friends Janet has basically said that I came between them and And Jennifer is upset about that not because of me because she thinks that Janet’s being wrong and being unfair about towards her and about me, but I kind of know what the girls saying the woman who is a very harsh looking woman that’s a whole Nother story where we ran into her the other day at uncle Scott’s and didn’t say hello. Didn’t I was making eye contact with this woman I didn’t know and it turned out to be Janet and so we kinda left the restaurant and then started talking about but anyway I’m just laughing here the point I think I feel is I could say so long see ya bye-bye for now and part of me thinks maybe that’s what we’re gonna do. I don’t know the other part things don’t be ridiculous. You know you care about this girl you’re enjoying your company she you know cares about you and enjoys your company just because she said Robert doesn’t have any passion doesn’t mean that she doesn’t think you have any passion and that’s why I’m thinking maybe I need to be more physically affectionate you know I thought this way about test that we were watching this show together and the relationship between the guy and the girl there she was she wanted him to be her boyfriend and he wasn’t that interested at all but then when he did become interested, the big thing with them was he finally gave her this big passionate kiss, which is what she wanted and what he wanted and that’s how that thing worked because that’s Hollywood but with me I almost kissed her last night, but like I said, there was kind of a duck and weave there and she didn’t really pull away from me but you know she didn’t know lunge into it either and I just don’t know again you know 80 years old what are we gonna do? I’m not gonna French kiss. I’m not gonna do anything but it’s like what are we gonna do and if I say we’re never gonna have sex does that just ruin everything actually George said it last night in Seinfeld that this girl is going out with they weren’t having sex because she had mono and then he became a genius cause he wasn’t having sex and she eventually got over the mono and said I want to have sex anyway they did and he became an idiot again and you know because his brain is obsessed with sex. Well that’s the way men are including me, but I’m not relating it to Jennifer and I just said it I don’t feel like oh my gosh I can’t wait to have sex with her. I just don’t feel that that doesn’t mean I don’t love her so this Suddenly single thing is weird as hell and you know I’ve met several women just in this last year, not attracted to any of them except Jennifer and yesterday we were talking about. What do you call each other boyfriend overnight I call you my girlfriend. She said you know yeah I call my boyfriend, but I do feel it does feel kind of weird because we’re this old but you know that’s a kind of simple debate or you know semantics or whatever but anyway I’m gonna stop this blabbing. I need to just concentrate on the things I need to do to keep myself mentally alert and viable, which includes reading the books. I’m reading now right now it’s donkey Hootie. It’s a great little book not a little bit anyway I need to maybe get that chessboard and learn to play chess with real pieces and again I can afford any of this stuff you know the market was down when I looked at it today 7000 bucks well that was a huge amount of money at one point now it’s kind of a drop in the bucket. I mean it’s a it’s a drop and I’d rather that I looked at it went up 7000 but you know to learn less America just crumbles. I am financially secure and even if I had to go into a nursing home you know if that if it ever really came down to that where I lived to be 100 and I’m drooling on myself. My daughter has to take charge me she could cash in the house. I mean I’m not gonna be homeless. I mean, that way they would put me in a nursing home. I don’t want to go into a nursing home. I’d much rather die, but I don’t think I have the guts at this point nor the desire to commit suicide, but I do think suicide is legitimate when it comes down to living a life of pain and suffering or even just humiliation versus just passing away I do believe I think I could say it out loud I think passing away is simply that you’re just passing away. You’re just leaving this life and then you’re not you’re not alive and you know if you do any suffering before passing away that’s a terrible thing to have to go through, but you know Tess died on the bed in the in the other room in my house right here where we lived and she was very articulate and very alert to the very end. She said I’ll tell you she said if if if I’m not watching TV, you know something‘s wrong I mean, she even had that sense of humor and poor baby. I mean, we wielder down the hall here and I changed the wear the where the table in the halls located to be at the window at the back where we could put the pictures and everything and she could look up and see that as she noticed that right away and she kind of liked it and since then I’ve changed the position of my couch to be facing the TV. I’ve made changes not big ones, but you know my point is the test passed away very peacefully and you know it was a total shock to me mentally emotionally or whatever to lose her but also I was afraid of the loss of income and that’s what really struck me right away. Being honest was oh my God you know we had a double income and now I have to live on my own and what’s gonna happen and you know am I am I worth worthless am I gonna be homeless everything but then because my savings are so strong no everything‘s good and I’m not gonna waste it doing things just because I can and I’m not gonna buy a fancy gifts for Jennifer or do things that are just not my character I have thought about you more or less eventually giving her money to help sustain her and even that wouldn’t really be necessary because her brother takes care of so really everything‘s great I don’t care I don’t mind paying for meals. She always offers to pay. I don’t mind you know those kind of expenses are nothing compared to thousands of dollars that even Jon and Judy spend on their trips so I can afford to buy a chess set for $200 so I’ll probably just delete all this shit but you know this is part of being single and trying to work things out trying to have relationships with a woman and this woman lives at the end of the block we even talked about that last night how amazing some people searched the world to have you know some sort of romance. All I did was walk down the street and like I said are we a perfect match? I don’t even know anymore. It’s a perfect match. I know that I love loving her. I know that I’m probably not as passionate as I should be and maybe that’s what I need to do is not force it but continue to hold her hand and be affectionate towards her and use her name. You know in an affectionate ways do what I’m doing really not change what I’m doing and don’t let John and Judy’s. You know public affection in front of us make me feel worse about myself. That’s the problem. Don’t feel bad about myself. I am what I am and I ain’t that much but I’m not the worst thing in the world so let’s just move along and that’s the end of this walk.