I woke up feeling kind of sad and sensitive this morning… I guess there were a number of reasons why I think it’s a sense of my own frailty the fact that I am getting older and weaker in certain areas I had some concerns about that. I’m planning to spend money on a new deck. You know I had to talk myself into that somehow the idea of spending money just scares me and then the other part of it why would you wanna die and you saved everything by not providing yourself with any comfort so it’s that kind of balance between having enough and being frugal and being cautious on a reasonable level as opposed to just wasting money or being a spin thrift we had a great day yesterday Jennifer and I are meeting with Chip and going to the top of Mount Mitchell and taking pictures eating at a great restaurant there and just having a great day then driving home on the parkway basically I got off on the wrong exit. I did what Google told me to do but once I got off the parkway I felt like I wasn’t in the right place and I couldn’t just look at the map and figure out how to go and that bothered me so I essentially just let Google guide us home and it all worked out. Jennifer didn’t get upset. We were having a great conversation but little things like this bother me about myself. 

Today is Tessa’s birthday. She would’ve been 83 years old. I looked up her pictures and we have a lot of pictures from Tessa‘s 80th birthday that Lauren gave her a beautiful little birthday party and gave her a newspaper front page poster card of all the things that happened when Tess was born. Tess was so an hour by that she just thought that was so cool. how did you do that she kept asking and you know this is something we were aware of that you know you can get done, but it was so magical to test and it meant so much to her and you can just see the smile on her face and you know she was surrounded with the people she loves myself, Lauren, her baby Daughter and Sam who she loves what a beautiful experience to share with the person who essentially is the love of my life the person who shared my life for 46 years and built my life to make it as meaningful as it is.

And you here I am only three years later and a whole world of experience has happened in those three years… The shock of losing test the fear of losing test and the life that we had together and this feeling of what am I gonna do now it was a very empty hollow feeling, and I just described it as being in shock you know, but then I kind of gathered myself together and by the time the hurricane came, I was really feeling very strong and very as I said, never been happier in my life. Well, that wasn’t exactly true, but it was true in the moment and this is before I met Jennifer and this was while I was staying in Hendersonville in my home rather than going to CHARLOTTE to be with my daughter Lauren where I probably would’ve been safer or at least in her mind I would’ve been safer if Tess was with me at that time. I don’t have no doubt we would’ve gone to CHARLOTTE but those were the first steps or major steps I felt were happening in my life to tell me that I can make it on my own, and I can enjoy making it on my own. 

So here I am at my Wright old age of 78. I have the same or at least I have insecurities frailties sensitivities. I’ll call them the uncertainties that seem to be part of who I am and part of my life that haunt me and it is very much like the Buddhist teachings in reality. My life is perfect in reality. I’ve got all the comfort I’ve ever needed in life and much more than I’ve ever really had in life, I’m sitting here in my air-conditioned bedroom in a home that I own with a little doggy on my bed. That’s just the cutest thing in the sweetest thing ever I’ve got a beautiful girlfriend. We just had a great time yesterday going to the top of Mount Mitchell. We’re planning a trip to grandfather Mountain next week tangently I am financially secure, but emotionally. I still have a certain level of fear. What if this happens what if that happens what if we have an economic depression so as the Buddhist teachings go these are all second arrows. These are all things. I’m actually doing to myself that are not being done to me so I might delete this bog post. I might not probably as the day goes on. I’ll spend some time with Jennifer. Her sister David is gonna come over and I’ll show her how to take care of Zeke. I’ll probably talk to Alice if not today probably tomorrow or the next day I am surrounded with good people good friends, good family everything is intact and why don’t I feel 100% great and maybe it’s the fear of losing losing what I have now so these these parts of life I’m trying to figure out trying to put aside or put in perspective so that I can fully enjoy the blessings that I have. I did a bunch of videos about the Fourth of July and all the hypocrisies that we’re dealing with in America, all the hate that’s coming out with this ice program and Trumpism, and yet the newspaper story that I just sent Jennifer was about the trail of tears how we abuse the Indians, how we rounded them up and heard of them off to a western part of our country that I think now is Oklahoma the cruelty, the man shows man is relentless and unending. I am so in fact, hurt by an emotionally or psychologically, but it’s not hitting me again. I am not the persecuted one and I’m not the persecuted or the piece. I’m not the person who does the persecution you know I said to Jennifer we’re talking about what we can do and you know when I did my videos, but the other part of it is, I’m not him. You know what I mean. I’m not the bad guy so that’s it. It’s only 9:33 AM. I’ve got the day ahead of me. These are just a few thoughts crossing my mind and will get through the day and I believe we’ll get happy and stronger as the day goes on.