Eternity?

 

https://youtu.be/roLXtN7mTOU?si=d_UL6t4WZhQpAjku

hey good morning all of you insomniacs that start your day at 3:00 in the morning and ended around 6:00 a.m. sometimes I think that's what I do because I do tend to want to drift off first thing in the morning sometimes uh my friend chip is out there hiking I mean it's just an echo of reminder of how I used to do that with him and it was great I mean hey chip it was fantastic in many ways and seeing the views of the sun rising over the Blue Ridge Mountains it was just phenomenal and the irony of it is here'sthe deal that now in my Mountain meditations I'm saying that I'm going to take time just slow down and just enjoy the scenery enjoy the sounds of the River or the waterfall you know not be a mad rush to hike and work my ass off to get someplace and do it but yet and still the irony of it is I don't know if I'll get up early in the morning to just go up there and watch a sunrise just don't know so it is kind of odd that way where sometimes it's the things you got to do that make you see the beauty inthe world and yet maybe not take long enough to just enjoy it that's not what what we're talking about this morning what are we talking about well we're talking about the fact that I was I deathly ill I don't know I had probably a 24-hour virus but boy did it come down and slam dunk me and uh so that's all I can say about the symptoms because I am basically very modest but the point is one of the symptoms was I was sleeping and I tell you when I first woke up I was like wow this is good cuz I never get enough sleep I figure wellmaybe this is that crash bang sleep that I've been waiting for and so that part you kind of think is good but the other point I'm trying to make is that you know during this episode where I was feeling very vulnerable very weak the mental part of me was like but don't interfere with this do not I do not want anybody helping me out certainly don't want to go to the hospital or I mean that was kind of the biggest no no I just want to be here in my house in my bedroom in my bathroom in my surroundings where I feel at homewhere I feel comfortable where I am who I am even if I'm sick so that's kind of what I'm talking about because with Tessie poo my baby girl she was getting weaker and weaker over the years really and in many ways it was gradual but then it picked up speed but but this reminded me of an episode where I was helping her kind of more and more and you know in my mind I was encouraging her but I was also maybe pushing a little too much because that's kind of what I was feeling last night when I was feeling so vulnerable I don'twant anybody pushing me you you need to eat some food you need to do this you need no I don't want anybody doing that I know that they're well-meaning and I'm not denying that part but I mean I don't want you to do that let my body in my own mind make my decisions for what I really need to do and you know my feeling during that time was I just need to get over it but there is that little part that thinks well is this the time when it does actually happen when you know the pearly gates open and you go through them Imean who knows when that's going to be and I do remember for an instance saying you know it's not all that Pleasant an experience but it'll be good when it's over and that's what Tess you know basically said she said I just want it to be over and you know I understand her I understand you know what she was saying and why she was saying it and uh you know the episode I'm going to get to is that one morning I came downstairs as I usually do or always do very early to get my first cup of coffee some sometimes the flavor theconcept of the idea of having coffee is so tempting it doesn't matter what time of night it is I just want to go get that cup of coffee so I came down early and here was Tess on the floor in the living room on the floor and why are you on the floor what's what's happening and she said well I I got up and I got out here and then I I I she didn't really fall but she sank to the ground and then she said I couldn't get up I couldn't get up so I just I just lay here I said Tess you know why didn't you call me whydidn't you I mean I would have come get you and that's what I did I mean this conversation that I'm talking about here now wasn't quite this this way but I mean in another words I was helping her get up and get to the get to the couch where she could at least be on something softer and more comfortable and you know so I got her to the couch but you know she I mean it's hard to know exactly what goes through a person's mind but part of it was Independence part of it was she's on the floor she's on thefloor that's where she is she doesn't want you know she doesn't want me to rescue her I don't know if that's exactly what she was thinking I don't know if she was too weak to call or or whatever it was but man that hit me of oh my God baby girl what you know what are we doing what you know what can I do and I mean that's that's a natural thing that's a natural thing and I assume other people she would feel that way if it was me but you know what I'm saying is you just don't know when you hit that levelof vulnerability what it's going to be like you know what you're going to feel like what you going to what you're going to want but I'm going to say that whatever it is you want for the people around you please please be aware of that be please be sympathetic with the fact that that person in whatever circumstances they find themselves they might want to be there they might want to keep going in that direction I've watched a couple of movies in the last couple days I guess whatever Liam Liam niss is now one of myfavorite actor Heroes and uh you know he plays the uh kind of unexpected unassuming superhero in Taken then taken one two and three which all all were great and then last night I watched something called uh gray I don't even think it was into the gray it was just gray and and boy this was not a happy- ending Hollywood movie this was five five or six guys that survive a plane crash and then die one after the next after the next including him there were no heroics it was really a study on how people deal with their finalhours and some of them chose it to be some of them decided to truncate their hours into say minutes or whatever they it really truly to me was one of these movies that you really ought should see because not everything has a h a happy ending I love Hollywood for creating Happy Endings somewhere in their meetings they said no we're not going to do it they could have very easily you know they they did a little foreshadowing that you know trying to encourage one of the guys to keep going you know the cabin there could be acabin right down the river it could be just another mile he said I can't make it I can't go another Mile and you know they ended up instead of pushing them and pulling them they stood there with him and they just stood there with him for a while and then they went and you know this was how they dealt with it this is how he dealt with it and you know if it's over it's over you can maybe postpone it a few minutes or a few days few months and I'm not judging anybody who does that and that's a you you know that's fine and dandy butyou know this whole kind of thing about oh yeah he fought it oh yeah he had cancer but boy he fought it so what you know so what and the irony to me of all that is that if you have all this religious belief that oh Jesus and God and Heaven and all this if you believe all that then why wouldn't you just say oh great great now let's go it's you know I'm excited let's go because why not if that's how beautiful it's going to be then why not but it you know the other irony of this movie was they they were talking around thecampfire and one of the guys was religious and you know that was wonder that was nice he wanted to say something for the people who had passed away in the in immediately in the in the wreckage and you know before they left he wanted to pay his respects which was good and then that came up again but you know Liam said no I don't believe in any of that I don't I know I don't I I what I I just you know when it's over it's over now to me that's just a logical educated uh opinion and probably the truth or nodoubt it's the truth but the thing is for me that's very comforting for him that was reasonably comforting the idea that you're going to go on forever in heaven like this kid that who died of cancer during the interviews that he was having he thought well you know Heaven sounds like a pretty boring place you know it's a it's just a matter of this is what we know and and what what comes after this we don't know so we're great storytellers so we tell a story or two about it and next thing those storiesgain momentum and you know they take they take on their own kind of P power and people in the business of we'll call it storytelling take control and power over you over it and you know these are the things that I resent my heaven is heaven for all it my heaven is it's over it's as peaceful and calm and tranquil and beautiful as it was before I was born there are no worries there are no regrets there's no memories there's no looking back and saying oh my God I wish I did this or that there's nothingthere's just nothing and nothing is heaven nothing is heaven and why not look forward to that not look forward to it but why re you know why dread that so I don't now you know in this little you know 24-hour episode where I was feeling so sick and just why my God kind of violently sick and wow you know what is this those were not fun moments and you know like I said it crossed my mind well you know when is that moment going to be the final moment and it didn't really hit me that this would be it but I was thinking well whatif it was I mean what what greater story should there be unless it was to get you from behind where you didn't know it was coming you know like a plane lands on you and you don't hear the engine but you know anyway my me this is my memories of TZ and how much I loved her and how much you know as our days you know reached the end and and we didn't know that at the time but you know we knew things weren't good but she was a very very independent person she she well she prided herself on being indep and and she was just as needy asany of us in some ways but very selective and how she would be that way and I don't know if she wanted me to help her that night and just couldn't you know couldn't reach out or if she was maybe comfortable enough in her circumstance to just wait it out or maybe she wasn't thinking at all maybe she had passed out I don't know but I know when I found her I was worried I was a wreck not a wreck but I mean I was like oh my God now how did you get here why why didn't you call me all that and then I you knowI did what I you know could do to get her in a more comfortable spot and you know she had passed out another time when we were coming home from a restaurant with David and Debbie and we were just walking up the side of the to get into the house and suddenly she was on the ground I mean I didn't even see it happen I was looking back at the car I guess but I was locking the car I don't know what but I turn around there she is on the ground she just fell to the ground and she lay there for a few seconds and Iwas you know trying to you know cuddle her head and so forth and hold her up a little bit and and you know she as she came to or actually was talking I said honey you want me to call 911 should I call 911 she said no no I don't want you to call 911 and now here's the deal if it if it had gone a few more minutes I would have called anyway or I would have called if she wasn't protesting but the thing is she didn't want 911 she didn't want all that she didn't want it when she actually passed away she let us take her to the hospitalshe didn't fight us and that much I'll credit her because I can see where she wouldn't want want to go at all and if she hadn't gone it wouldn't have changed much in a sense that we would have called in hospice on our own probably but this this gave us that final wording from a from doctors to say this is it this is it she has cancer the cancer has spread we don't know where it started and you know it's a moot point she had held it in her for for months probably years and when it finally took hold of herwhere it wouldn't let go she was still in charge of her own life her own thoughts her own mind and her own will and she was not a mean or bossy person I'm not saying those things at all but I'm saying that we had uh you know a relationship where we respected each other's feelings and we tried to abide by them and you know maybe I tried to shape them here and there and vice versa she could she could be much more forceful in that respect but you know it's just funny but my point is you live the best life you canlive that's all I want to do leave this tiny little footprint and you know make it a make it a pretty good one that's why I'm doing all this crap because it's fun it's entertaining it's not hurting anybody and it uses my time my energy so here I am making little finger pain Swirls and talking about myself but everybody you know does what they want to do and you know for me I want to do something nice something a little bit you know fun nice whatever and thank God thank God for the friends I havethank God for the love I had with Tess and for the love I feel for the people in my life right now because all these people have made my life worthwhile have given it some some level of meaning and purpose and I'm going to leave I don't see the timer up here for some reason but anyway I'm going to stop and hope this is was recorded and we'll talk to you soon