You know it's funny I I learn something every day and uh you know and I have fun doing this stuff this blogging and this Wordle stuff I mean you know it's kind of given me a purpose and a way to express myself and a reason to express myself and uh so all that's good I start talking and I and I get cheered up even though I initiated this little this little post which I probably won't publish uh because I work I woke up kind of very disturbed this morning very uh very preoccupied or concerned and you know uh I've beenlistening to ticknock Han I'm going to look it up so I can say it over and over and get it correct but this uh Vietnamese Buddhist philosopher he's is very very good and uh you know kind of repeats the same things over and over again meditation is the key to life or a good life or a restful life you know being here now this is not new anymore but still he makes a lot of good points and the one that he was talking about I got this book dealing with fear and fear and that's what I'm dealing with fear and Ican tell myself over and over again don't you know don't pre-inventory passage and being born into this world and how rude and abrupt that is and scary it is for that baby for that organism to be thrust into this brand new world after living in you know his mom's womb and being cared for on all levels well you know I never thought of that I just never thought of that birth trauma and how terrifying that must be and there's no words that a baby can use to uh you know to to formulate it into words it's all a very visceral emotionalexperience and yet each baby every one of us has gone through this and so each one of us is born with this original fear and he's saying that we never really get rid of it we it manifests itself in different ways and different levels through the rest of our life and this fear of trauma this fear of loss this fear of loneliness or being alone or being uncared for is something that uh you know that we deal with and I mean he's got a very good point it's it's a very interesting way to view it why arewe so interdependent and yet you know sadly so damn hostile towards each other and why this duplicity and why this angst between us and you know I I don't know I don't know that's the thing about it my life truly even today is still pretty perfect um you know this weekend I went to Bob's birthday party and it was very nice we had fewer people than usual I I pre-inventory video Diane saying her blessing and uh I ended up videoing everybody giving their opinions on things I probably will delete that it's just too long but umbut with Diane that was my goal to to video her and it came out very well and I'm very proud of it I'm very proud of it I and be honest I I I would love to get a little more praise a little more recognition for the work I put into it so yeah there is a selfish side and you know one of one of the uh things that tick I'll just call them tick or tick not um suggest is that we do something nice for someone and literally without any thought of anything getting anything in return and I mean he's got a very verygood point because uh and I think I saw this on another another YouTube you cannot you can't go into you know helping other people or giving to other people when you know when you're looking for some sort of a feedback some sort of a recognition because that does you know that does Telegraph and um it's not the most generous thing to do or to be or the way to be so I do enjoy doing what I'm doing I get I get you know a degree of pleasure out of that I do love the feedback and you know with the YouTubeget so many views and that gives a feedback but anyway I I am getting a lot of satisfaction out of doing it this is what I do this is I've I've invented this little role for myself to do these blogs and do these blog posts and make these videos and I get you know I get a a certain enjoyment out of it and then another friend that I have that I'm communicating with she's expressing some truly painful experiences in her life and you know I watch this movie I'll just call it Gabby and uh gosh here's a a girl a beautifulgirl a beautiful person and I think that's the thing I think I have enough maturity now to see beyond just the sheer physical beauty of a girl to see there's a real person in there and and and this girl was sweet and kind and funny and very artistic extremely talented artistically which I didn't mention in my email I have to mention that and her boyfriend killed her he killed her what is this what is this you think you're operating in a world with W with certain kind of normal parameters of okay so you love eachother you have fights or whatever you have disagreements maybe even break up or whatever but you know you don't kill somebody you don't murder somebody and this is what she endured and her parents now this is true tragedy in life I have nothing like that I have nothing like that I saw you know these annual pictures come up or whatever remember this day pictures come up from uh from one drive and I like him I I I do enjoy doing seeing those pictures and I I do enjoy going with that memory lane but this one was of Tess you know whenwe were at Bob's a year ago we were there for the last birthday party and uh and this was and Tess came with me and this turned out to be the last thing that Tess and I did together to go out among people and I'm saying it with a straight face right now this was you know one little two little pictures I took of her which she didn't wave me off and so thank you God I have a picture of her sitting there talking to June and she looks so good and so so much yourself so Tess and it's a beautiful beautiful thought or abeautiful picture and memory you know they gave us a special spot to park Bob gave us a little special Park part part place to park uh put a sign out the tinel so that we would get a spot where we wouldn't have to walk too much uphill or or whatever and you know it was so thoughtful and um you know now that I'm talking I think I'll send that to Bob and and and remind him of that because you know those were very thoughtful things and uh I am going to follow through with this because I'm going totest my own Theory to see if I can post it to their blog but I'm also going to say how meaningful these friendships are because they are they're they're all I have left little Zeke started Mo you know whimpering this morning I guess I'll call it and you know I get annoyed what is it what do you want what do you want but then I think gosh Zeke is my reason for being here I mean I'm G to take care of Zeke because he needs me and so I have a few years left where I I need to do that I will do that butwhat's happening in America what's happening to us and the threat and what's the real threat economics I cannot live um with less than what I have I've cut back my expenses to the Bone and you know I made this investment in the battery and it kicked on the other night the power went out but beyond that I have reduced my bills tremendously and I do that by staying cold and wearing a jacket and and you know now that the Summer's going to roll around I guess I'll spend some hot nights or I'll figure out how to run the airconditioning you know in the most economic way but anyway I am so thankful and grateful for the blessings I've had in my life and I'm not just saying that I really do feel that way but when I feel anxiety and I'm trying to meditate I'm trying to you know breath in my breath is coming in breath out I'm breathing out simplest things to clear my mind I'm doing that I'm trying to do that and like I said in another blog post meditation is impossible in many ways it is impossible but at least it's some method to try toget my mind off my fears and the fact that he explained where those fears originate from is kind of helpful so I'm going to tune out tune off whatever turn this off and uh you know I just have to get it off my chest once in a while so that's why I'm doing all this just kind of get it off my chest and hope for the best and thank God for what we do have and turn it off
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