This method I’ve chosen of putting my diary or my journal on a public blog and doing this thing with YouTube it’s questionable and you know, but I do feel like it’s been Theraputic. I think it’s been helpful for me to know. Say these things out loud I always think of it as being anonymous but then you know there are posts that I’ve sent to people with the intention of letting them see it or wanting them to see it and read it, but you know I don’t have to do this at all or I can just keep doing it and let the torpedoes go where they make the big opening. The reason I’m giving this big opening is because I’m gonna tell another part of you know my own inner workings as I deal with my aging in my loss of my wife and you know my emergency know as a single senior citizen I I visit these Hospice patients and one of them is 73 years old, I believe and younger than me is the point and she’s diminished in her capacities, but you know she has a little youth in her face, and I’ve learned this through the years when you look into the eyes of an older person you can see their youth in their face in their eyes, but you know I don’t know if she has dementia. The point of it is that I’m working with my own peer group and I’m still the one who’s you know visiting and you know bringing my dog to visit and so forth and then when it’s time to leave, they walk me down the hall and open the door and let me go. I do not want to live in that environment. I’m I’m great visiting you know it’s been a very worthwhile endeavor and it’s been very meaningful and you know I’m very thankful that I can do it. I don’t have the fear or intrepid ation that I used to have towards nursing care years ago when I visited my aunt I just couldn’t stay. I was just freaked out now I can visit. I’m only in there for a half an hour or so, but then I leave but my point in this statement is tonight I felt vulnerable. First you know at the corner of the stop. You know where I stopped at the stoplight, but I had pulled up to the corner instead of stopping you know behind the walkway. I still don’t know if that’s the legal requirement or not but the point is this guy confronted me on it and I held my own. I actually did very well. I actually should just be proud of myself but then there’s that part of me that says wow what if I’m losing my capacity what if that thing escalated where he did get out of the car and confront me or what if I was wrong and you know losing my capacity to make good decisions in driving, you know I guess my point is I worry about my future years I’m excited I talk like I’m excited about buying a self driving car, but you know I don’t think that’s gonna solve all my problems as far as you know my disability right now my disability is we just called incontinence I have reached this point where I have no bladder control once I have to go to the bathroom. I have to run to get to the bathroom and OK here I am full disclosure. Yes I am wearing adult diapers as a precaution but nonetheless, I need that precaution and you know, Jennifer is aware of this because we’re together all the time and she knows I have to go to the restroom repeatedly and I think this is a pretty common thing. I think Fred is going through this And Linda you know is aware of this but you know it’s a very disabling experience. I have to go to the bathroom and have no control and you know when you’re hiking in the woods you can just pull over and go all the time so it’s no big deal. It’s not a big deal for a guy, but you know being in public or being around people you can’t just do that so I might actually call The. I think it’s the urologist I got a referral, but I’m gonna see what they might be able to do but I don’t wanna get surgery. You know I don’t want to get that Chip procedure. We talked about that when Tess was still with us. Oh, she want me to do it. Oh yeah sure go get surgery. I don’t wanna do that so I’m a little bit in a dilemma and I guess my point is tonight when I was going to the laboratory there at Hannahs you hit me when do you become disabled? When is you know you’ve reached that point how do you know or even if you know, would you let yourself stop? What am I gonna stop doing am I gonna stop dating and am I gonna tell Jennifer well it’s been wonderful but I’m too old to date right now. I don’t know. It’s a scary thought.