So like I was saying going home for mom, you know she we were talking on the phone a more frequently and now when I look back, I realize mom was telling me things she knew that she was in the process of passing away and I’m just saying that in those words right now because that’s what it was and you know I don’t think I was recognizing that at the time but she would call and we would talk a little bit and then she asked where her portraits were that I have her portraits and I said yeah of course I do and then I went and looked for him and you know I’m kind of felt like I had to prove to her that we had them, but now I realize well this was her legacy. This was what she wanted to leave to us and what she wanted to leave behind was her evidence of being here her creativity and so you know again I was not fully tuned in, but then when Linda called me and told me they were gonna call Hospice I said well then I’m gonna come home and I did. I just said I am gonna go home. I told Tess I’m gonna go home to be with mom and Linda. You know they’ve called in hospice and Wright in that month turned out to be November 30. Nolan was born and you know nobody could’ve predicted that you know the intersection of time and events that were occurring more or less the saddest moment in my life mixed with a very happy time and you know it’s just the way it was, but I packed the car to go to New Jersey and I was gonna go but then we got the call that Lauren he was giving birth and so we jumped in the packed car. I got a pizza at West First to go and we drove to Charlotte and we were there you know for Linda for Lauren to have Nolan being born and you know then we went home with them the next day when she went home Tess wanted to leave right away. You know they’ve got their family. They’ve got private thing and they got their stuff to take care of whatever words to use but she didn’t just join in. You know to help Sam or to ask you know if there’s anything we could do or anything it was always a very abrupt feeling with Tess and I’m sorry to have to say that out loud but it was and you know part of this blog is the fact that she never really connected with mom in fact, really that was the saddest and most disappointing part of our relationship was that test never connected with my family I connected with hers certainly pop in legally. I was very close and then of course there was Barry and I’m not gonna waste time talking about Barry. Barry was a problem really hanging over our heads you know for all our years together and you know looking back you just kinda say how sad that was but also I should’ve asserted myself earlier in the relationship and maybe it would’ve been a little more comfortable but anyway, the point being I made the decision to go home to be with Linda and Mom and I was just looking at pictures this morning and sending pictures to Linda and Eileen And and even Sandy and and I was sending them to Jennifer and the irony here is that Jennifer I’ve only known her you know really a year we’ve been going out and yet I feel a connection with her that is deeper in some ways she connects with my family. She connects with my mom, even though mom‘s past I said you know, mom would’ve walked to the labyrinth with you and she said well maybe I’ll call her to join me and she means it and she knows that she’s you know being woo woo or whatever but Mom was woo woo too woo woo to me now means just being sensitive being caring being open minded about things and being spiritual, and some level and I don’t believe in the supernatural and I make a big stink about that and I still kind of don’t or don’t believe in the supernatural, but I certainly will believe in in love and kindness, and then sharing, loving and kindness between people and the energy that that creates and Mom was all about that. She was so artistic and so loving and caring, and a wonderfully devoted mother, who when I look at the pictures, she could’ve been a glamour queen she could’ve been a model she she really was a model in many ways, a model female, but also a model mother and model wife and you know I kinda only got 50% of it. You know meaning that I only really appreciated 50% the part that she was a mom to me. I kind of didn’t realize how basically amazing this woman was but now looking back I kinda am little. I’m opening my mind to that reality, but as I said, I feel so lucky now to be involved with Jennifer. I sent her a bunch of pictures this morning and you know I know that she’s interested. I know she cares. I know you know I’m overdoing it and in a way, but Jennifer has that loving kindness about her and I said to her I think she would’ve enjoyed knowing mom and vice versa. I think mom and she would’ve gotten along very well together and I missed that. I’m sorry we missed that in our married life and I have no regrets. There’s no sense in regrets but I’m so in many ways. Happy to connect with Jennifer now that I’m 77 Mom lived to be 87. I don’t know if I’ll make it that far if if I want to but the point is as long as I am here I need to continue to try to be a good person and show love to the people who I love and that’s what I’m gonna do and sometimes that requires. I’m kind of difficult decisions and that’s my point here I chose to go home to be with Linda. I was there for about six weeks, I invited a test to come with me, but she was gonna stay home and you know take care of my world at home and but I called her and so forth, but we really had a big fight about it when I got home and she was very well essentially her own words she said I don’t want to hear about the funeral. I don’t wanna hear how nice it was. I don’t want to hear anything about it. She was very angry cause I had written a thank you email to all the other people who were supportive during that time and I guess she felt that I spurned her in someway but you know I had to make up to her and I you know I kept saying you know we’re still peeing test we’re still peeing test and I don’t really still to this point. No what I could’ve or should’ve done any differently. I feel like I was loving towards my sister and my mom and I needed to be there. I know I did the right thing, but I never abandoned test or try to make her feel you know less then you know my wife less than the most important person in my life, but it was only a few months after that that Eric commit committed suicide I mean you lose your mom I was going to Hospice to process that test one no part of that then we lose Eric and I thought we Shirley now test will you know I wanna go to counseling and get some sort of support? Heck no oh no nobody knows how I feel. I know how I feel. I don’t have to deal with it. She was kind of a stonewall in that respect. Then yet she was very sensitive, but she covered it up with you know kind of a hard shell so that’s that so I’m gonna stop talking and but it’s been a beautiful morning in a very sentimental way.