Getting to know Jennifer and me

 OK, so this morning I’m gonna pick up Jennifer in about 15 minutes and so what am I gonna do but talk to myself for 15 minutes the other night we went to the Christmas parade downtown and visited with friends that we’ve made down there Dee and Ed  who are running their own store. It’s a gift shop and a coffee shop and they’re doing a huge job and there was a whole line of people waiting for Coffee and Ed was just working his tail off so anyway I got a couple cups of hot chocolate when I went to rejoin with Jennifer and Dee Jennifer suddenly got faint.

and it all worked out. We walked outside into the cold air and she started to feel better and she was very embarrassed about it and of course I was just concerned about her and I was running through my mind. What should I do? What can I do but I wasn’t really afraid I didn’t feel that it was a very serious situation. If I did I probably would’ve talked about calling 911 but anyway the point of it is, I was there for her and now I’m talking about it. I’m just in love with this girl and I love loving her and this morning I texted her early to say do you need me to take you to the doctor which I didn’t ask her last night and she said I always enjoy the pleasure of your company and even thinking about that makes me realize this is part of why I love her so much she needs me. I love to feel needed by her but she loves me because but she just loves me first and then she needs me and I don’t think I’m making that up. I think that like when I asked what her goal in life wise or whatever she said to be autonomous, and I believe that she wants to be independent and she strives to be independent. She works hard at it and she’s accomplishing it, but we found each other and we’re enjoying each other‘s company and it’s so funny when you start talking the words that come out are not the thoughts you had before you started talking but here they are anyway you know, living together being married that can be challenging that can kind of take away from the romance of it. I mean, we did that for 46 years and it was wonderful and I’m thankful for that and I love Tess and I still love her but I’ve learned now that that was not the end of my life. I thought it was. I thought that losing test was going to be the end of my life and I was OK with that. I was OK with the sense of you know going on without a partner that I wanted to learn to live on my own. I wanted to be autonomous and I believe that I was doing that and I went through some initial hard-core depression or sadness and fear. I was afraid I was gonna be broke and I was terrified of that. I felt like I have my life had no meaning without money. I had no no way to sustain myself and that was very scary but this talking markets doing well and so I feel better, but I’m living a very frugal lifestyle and I want to keep that up, but I am sharing with Jennifer and nothing extravagant but little gifts here and there and going out for dinner and paying for dinner and then she gives me well the other night she gave me $200. I said I won’t look and she said OK and she put $200 in my car tray and you know I accepted it when I got home and I found that I was like wow but when I say wow that means wow now we can do more together and so that’s where I am right now. I feel very very lucky very very privileged to have found someone that I actually care about that I want to love. yes I have met a couple women this this year or two and it’s been amazing. I mean penpal Cindy and then a dog walker Lori Ann and there’s been a few more amazingly enough massage Mary and Denise 27 online on emailing you know all of these people are important to me and everybody has been a very life affirming for me but I love Jennifer and I can’t really say why it’s just something about her that she she has beautiful eyes and a beautiful smile but she’s also a beautiful person and she is woo woo but she’s not off the charts woo she she does have both feet on the ground and she doesn’t judge me. She shares with me things that she’s interested in, but she doesn’t push me to be you know more involved like with Joe Dispenza or I’m trying to think of a female that we’re listening to, but then I sent her a Buddhist tape the other day and she said I really appreciate it. This is all the matters is that we can share a little bit of who we are with each other but more than anything. I really wanna clear the way to get to know her and this morning I texted her and after saying, do you want me to get you and she said yes I said you know we don’t have to make conversation all the time we can be close and we can be together without filling it with conversation and she said you’re so sweet and I almost came back to say oh well I’m learning from you but I didn’t. I said enough is enough practice what you preach don’t have to fill every moment with words even if I have to fill them with my own words talking to myself, I don’t have to fill them with with her. I have to learn to choose my words to have some substance some meaning some value and that’s what we’re gonna try to do or I’m gonna try to do what I want to do is to get to know her not my impressions of her not what I want her to be for me who she truly is whether I like it or not that’s what I wanna do in other words, what if there’s things about her I don’t like I need to be open for that. I need to hear that I need to be aware of that not to say oh therefore, we’re not gonna care about each other or stop going out But that, but simply that I am truly getting to know her by who she actually is by listening by watching my hearing her, and not by projecting the things that I like upon her.