Accepting Loss and Moving Forward

 https://youtu.be/UKOqSc98UK0?si=Kzd7UMOcq4T2Tf6w

Okay, there folks um in podcast land. This is Pete and Alice. Hey Alice. Hi. And we're sharing our insights again, our experiences again. And um you know the topic today seems to be moving towards you know kind of coping with loss. And I don't I don't really want to say moving on, but in a way it is moving on, moving forward, putting the love that we had for our spouse and now the loss, kind of letting it mellow into part of our past where we we now see a future. I think that's it more than anything. I kind of start I'm startingto feel fortunate, happy, gratified. a lot of good things. I felt closer to people over this last year. I like what you said about accepting the loss and then moving forward. Yeah. And that's, you know, I was thinking back on my house in South Carolina and how much I'll always love it as my favorite house, right? But it didn't work for me for five years because of my personality. I just saw what I had lost in that house. And I'm so glad that I sold it and moved on because I'm so much happier in thishouse and I really love this house. And it helped me realize you can let go and move on. And it's okay if you still miss the other house and always have it as your favorite. That's fine. But you don't have to stay there if it's not working. And I believe that's what my move did for me was just help me realize that was what I needed. Now, other people don't need that, but I did. But it's a great point. It's a great observation of yourself because this home that I'm in now, this was Tess and mine home that we picked out that we,you know, shopped around or whatever the thing is that we have the memories of making this decision to live here and it was huge. I then don't have the desire to leave. Ironically, I think I'm just, you know, here again, Alice, I feel so damn lucky that we made this decision when we did and we had these 15 years together here because if we had stayed, you know, where in our former house, which was our dream house at the time, and then and then Tess went, I am not spending the rest of my life in him in South Carolina. And itwas just so funny, you know, some something some things that you remember, you know, that just, you know, funny stuff. And so she's exactly right, though. She's exactly right cuz we moved on together. But I'm very happy here now without her. I'm not happy because she's not here, but I am I've, you know, I haven't felt that need to leave. I I did go through a lot of saying goodbye by by, you know, donating her clothing and, you know, that's that was a that was a pretty emotional experience. But like Isaid, uh, with with the people I've been working with recently, I hear their stories and I feel so empathetic. I feel sympathetic and empathetic. I identify with it. And yet I find myself feeling so fortunate, so fortunate that I'm here now and that I had what we had together. And now, you know, I'm I am, dare I say it, I am moving on. Not in a not in a mean or spiteful way, but still. Well, it's like my cousin said, when you marry or live with someone, you become a couple, right? And so, you're experiencinglife with yourself more, right? You're with other people, but but you're getting to know yourself at this time in your life, and you're not part of a couple anymore. That's And I think I think that is so interesting because I didn't have the years you had alone when you were younger. Didn't you have like maybe five years where you were solo? No, not really. I mean, as far as no girlfriends or something. No, ironically. Um gosh, that's things, but I did want to But okay, let me answer your question. Um, no. Ironically, Ifeel kind of why I think I was kind of determined at this point or with test passing that I did want to figure out how to live on my own successfully because I felt when I looked at my past, I kind of, you know, kind of leaprogged from one girlfriend to the next to the next just like jobs, you know, I was never really without a job. And and quite honestly, I mean, and that was a that was a a very purposeful thing, but with girlfriends, I have to admit, it was probably more of a needful thing that um you know, I I felt theneed to find a new girlfriend or whatever. And I didn't want to feel that way. I wanted to just say make, you know, just let go and figure out how you can be your own best friend for a while. And ironically, that has led me to having female relationships, friends, relationships that I feel very good about. And I and I'm being honest. I love love. I think I said this before, I'm saying it again. I want to be in love again. I want to love somebody. And and and it just makes me feel good. Go ahead. And and you know, I readrecently somewhere, if you don't love yourself, it's harder to love others. And didn't you have though a couple of years where you lived alone? No, I moved from home. I moved to uh Virginia and uh so I got myself established but then um young lady came my girlfriend came to stay with me uh for several months and then that started to grind and boy I think back how did she even survive it but she was very homesick and everything. So she Alice, she went home to her home and I went on to to join upwith you guys. I came down. Oh wow. Yeah. You I didn't realize that. Yeah. You gave me places to apply for jobs and I applied. I got one and next thing you know you the three of us were out there shopping and I you know I landed this uh this dwelling. I I'm being vague I guess in purp on purpose. Anyway, I had I Okay, I got an apartment before I even moved down. I had an apartment lined up to go to. When I got here, I was looking for something cheaper and I found it. And you, the three of us wereout there that night and you said, "Peter, don't you want to check the neighborhood?" I said, "Ah, I'm down south. How bad could it be?" I swear to God, I had such a rosecolored perception of of life. But it was great. But anyway, um, so to answer your question, there was only literally months before I met Tess. I mean, I got my job in September. We were married in May. So, how many months is that? I mean, you know, so we were kind of instant karma. And uh, it seems like a long time when you don't have agirlfriend. It seems like a long time, but in reality, that's why I say looking back, I realize no, I hardly hardly had any time alone. And um I feel like that's a healthier I think you need to be alone. I think I do agree with what your what you just quoted. I do agree that whether you love yourself because that sounds kind of um whatever narcissistic. I don't want to be a narcissistic, you know, son of a But I do think that if you seek love only out of your own needs and insecurities, I don't think that's agood thing. No. You know, no. Exactly. And getting to know yourself, living with yourself, and becoming a whole person, right? And then meeting people, right, and dating and accepting yourself. Yes. Accepting yourself. That's the hardest thing to do. I think I have to say that I when I make a mistake, I just laugh and go on. That's what you were saying. Yeah. Yeah. It's really It's just more I'm easier on myself. I'm not hard on myself like I was when I was younger. Exactly. Right. So much harder on myself andcritical and short with myself. You know, that's something I didn't expect. And I I don't know what makes a person become more gentle with themsel as they age. I don't know why I did it, but it's been a nice surprise. And it makes life so much more enjoyable. Well, it does. Then I think it makes you a more dare I say a more desirable person because if if you meet somebody male or female but if you meet somebody I mean everybody wants to be needed I think I mean I'm not pretending that I don't want to feel loved and needed because Ido but there it's a it's a balancing act of if it's too much kind of thing. um where that can kind of push push you away and I'm af I don't want to be that way towards someone else and push them away because of being too needy. It's a weird thing to even kind of talk about because and it just is it is a balancing act. But um I guess what I've learned and what I think I can say uh with a certain level of confidence is if you think that what you want is somebody who's very insecure and needy and don'thave any friends and oh my god, you know, oh my god, thank God they found Peter. I I found this guy and he's just great and I just love him. You think that's going to be great, but it's not. you know, it's not because then you don't even know if you're really being chosen or if you're just, you know, the easiest lap to grab or whatever. So, and it and it works the other way. Um, and so, like I say, and I'm I'm saying this whoever listens or not, I I have felt in these last few weeks, I'm really starting to get toknow this person and really starting to care about them. And it's a whole different experience of caring about somebody than when I was falling in love and getting married to Tess. I just have different concepts, different different uh I don't even want to say goals really, but I'm not looking to, you know, start a family. I want to maintain the family I already have. My daughter, I sent you the Father's Day card she sent me. And my god, something brought tears to your eyes. tears of joy. That did it,you know. Yes. And I was talking with a friend um over the weekend and she said she was talking about how when you start to date someone at our current age, you have your children, they have their children, right? It's, you know, it's just not the same. And yet we're not navigating careers and um raising children. See, and like you said, I think I think when you're younger, you have this tremendous energy. I might as well say you have this tremendous sexual energy and you can't wait to connect with somebody. Andwhile you're doing that, you say, "Yeah, I love her. Yeah, whatever." and next thing you know, you're you're building a relationship, but there's a lot of other hormones going on, different things. I think that's why people do grow apart during their their marriage because they I didn't know you did this. I didn't know you smoked in bed. I didn't know you I'm saying things. I'm not saying truth, but I'm saying we learned things about each other that our reality that we kind of screened out because wewere so obsessed with just, you know, being biological creatures falling in love. But then, you know, like you said, you're trying to make it in a career. You're trying to raise your kids, all these different things. Suddenly, now we did it. We made it. And now, suddenly our our spouse is gone. Now, what the hell are we going to do? That's what I went through. I I was shocked for the first few weeks, maybe months. I was in shock. What the hell am I going to do? What good is life? What what purpose doI have? But what I did, I found purpose. I found purpose with hospice and I found purpose with you being your friend. And like I said, with the guy I just went hiking with, purpose with him to be his friend, to go hiking again. And it's been it's been great. Like I said, I feel very fortunate and I it, you know, so that's it. It's and I am lucky. I might as well say that too. Hell yeah, I'm lucky. But uh anybody if anybody is listening to us and if if we are imparting any kind of wisdom, I would just say hang in there,you know, hang in there because you you you will grow. I don't want to say things like, you know, you'll get over it. I'm not saying that at all. But I'm saying if you hang in there and give yourself a chance, there's a pretty good chance you'll survive and, you know, you'll you'll learn to love again. Yes. and and enjoy the adventure of the new life you have. It's a whole new adventure. And I think we've talked about this before. Our spouses don't get to experience what we're experiencing because they went before us. Right.Right. That's true. And even though it's been hard, you know, grieving, going through all these changes and, you know, settling everything, all the paperwork and, you know, right, probate and all those different things if you do probate. But um but then I just if you told me at my age I would be dating and having so much fun. I You wouldn't believe it. What? Right. Yeah. Exactly. Well, I if it's okay, I'm going to comment on your life a little bit, Alice, because as an as an observer, as your friend who's known you all theseyears, you you're a grownup. You've had a full career. You've got two grown boys now that you devoted your entire life energy to raising. They're now, you know, launched and and like you said, thriving in their own way with their own life. And but the but the beauty of it is Alice, you're not you're not you're still a part of their lives. you're very much a part of their lives and they are part of your life and you've been able to do that and navigate that with a new significant other with a new love andand I know and I you know I would ask you to talk about that you know in your part but I'm just saying as a person who's observing it I think that's a huge accomplishment that your sons are mature enough to understand their mom is still a person. She's mom, but she's also a person. I think it's great. And my daughter, that's true. I hadn't I hadn't thought about it that way, but Well, my daughter's kind of given me permission that way, and I'm going to be very delicate about it, and I'm going tobe aware of, you know, what I'm doing has an impact on her. But, you know, she said, "Daddy, I I don't want you to be alone." You know it was very that was a very powerful statement that she made. Yes. That was very mature. Yeah. And giving Yeah. And then she wrote me this It's not about her, right? And and and you know, then she wrote me this just most beautiful father's day card. And I tease her about she's not much with words, you know, she she answers, you know, a big long text I sent with like a littleheart or something. But boy, when she spoke her heart in this card, it just brought tears to my eyes. And I think what I feel so good about is I shared that card with my my new person already. My new person is not trying to take over and not trying to compete with my past. So far, she's been very supportive and understanding, and that makes me feel good about the whole thing, you know. Definitely. And when you talk about uh your boyfriend, Yeah. boyfriend, girlfriend. When you talk about your boyfriend meeting up with your son to dothings, that's phenomenal, Alice. That's phenomenal. It's great. It's very nice. It really is. And I'm just grateful that I've taken some adventures and changed made some big changes in my life and it worked out, right? I'm grateful for that because sometimes people do that and it doesn't work out. But I figured, well, if it doesn't work out, I'll do what I need to do when that happens. See, Alice, that's exactly right. You just hit the nail on the head again because without passing judgment, there are people outthere swimming around in single land where they latch on to the first one that says hello and next thing you know they're in the news because they ripped them off for $100,000. You know, they they took away their life savings. That's what we're talking about with if you seek love out of pure need, you you make yourself too vulnerable, too accessible to to abusive people and they're out there and you need to have faith and confidence in yourself first, male or female, because it does happen to both genders, but you know, they makemovies about this crap. So, like you said, you you weren't chasing, you were you were human, you know, you wanted to meet people and everything. You met people. Does it am I making any sense? Yes, you are. You didn't give him your passcode on the second date. You know what I mean? Oh, by all means. You know, here's my passcode. Take what you need. Oh my god. I know. I've I've heard several stories about people who lost a lot of money. Okay. And it's I think you know it's important to wait till you're throughgrieving and ready to meet people. Yeah. We're not and then start meeting people. But it's a different timeline for everybody. It's a different timeline. You're God. Again, you're so you have such wisdom with words because one of the people in this group of people I'm talking with was feeling so upset with herself and so just angry and sad with herself for not making more progress and you know still feeling pains of loss. And I said don't don't think that way about yourself. It's okay. I quoted a book atitle of a book. It's okay you're not okay. It's okay, you know, because there is no real timeline, right? There's it's it's your personal experience timeline. But that's why you definitely that's why you and like like staying in the house that you and your wife bought works for you. My dad stayed in the house they raised us in. It worked for him. Yeah. And who knows? And it doesn't even matter why it didn't work for me. I think that doesn't matter, right? It's just something about I guess yourpersonality, your life experiences. But I find that interesting and it is interesting um to wonder why some people are content, some are restless, some are hard on themselves. The I think for me and you, if we feel ourselves getting into a negative situation, we go and seek out a way to get out of that space. Yes, that's that's true. And the other way of getting out of it, for me anyway, is actually just doing what I'm doing right now, talking my way out of it, literally talking my way through it. Isaid that in this group of people today. Some got it, some don't. But you know, I I'm not I'm not um how can I put it this way? I'm talking to you as another person, but but I started this thing and I still do it from here and there to myself because I'm the one that needs to, you know, counsel myself and you know, and so I've found this to be just just terrific. And like you're kind of saying, other people may or may not, but other people certainly are out there listening to us, listening to peoplelike us, listening to celebrities who have voiced their feelings. But I think I think what we're talking about tonight is in effect learning to live alone so you can live with someone else. How's that for a theme? You know, that's a great Yes. That's it in a nutshell because you get to know yourself, you accept yourself, you grow, you change, you experience daytoday life with someone else without, excuse me, without another human with you all the time. And it's almost like you're polishing who you arethat has never been polished because Well, I I never lived alone. But you are before I got married. You know what I mean? So Well, yeah. No. Yeah, I hear you now. Okay. Because in other words, so when I started living with myself, um it was like I was polishing who I am by getting to know myself better and take on jobs that my husband had done. Right. Right. Learning how to navigate that. learning how to do things I wasn't comfortable with and I didn't even know if I could do them. Right. Like yousaid, like using the drill or whatever, using a tool that you're not familiar with and learning how to do it. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. And so that has been such a gift to me. I think that yes, it's a gift to like well gosh now I'm stumbling again but yeah it's a gift to you because you like like you said when we kind of look back of so many years you went from college to marriage college to living together to marriage which is wonderful which is great but see that's kind of what I'm saying in the biological order of thingsthat was the right thing to do and that that is not the only right thing to do there are women who don't get married, who don't have kids, whatever. But there but there's more pressure on you at that stage and your eye your your focus is more on doing that. Suddenly, you know, 10 years ago, you had to figure out the whole damn thing all over again and you did it. See, that's my point. You did it. You you found the resources to make the most of it. And I was very fortunate to have a lot of close friendsto help me through that stage. Right? And I helped myself because I wanted to be happy, to be giving, to be a thriving human. Exactly. Exactly. be friends to others and, you know, help other people and be there for my sons and, you know, it's just it's been an experience for me that's been so positive. Exactly. See, that's the thing, Alice. And it and it's it's okay. It's okay to say that. It's okay to feel good and to be happy and to find love again and find resources, find yourself again because you know this isyour one shot and and you know you're really making the most of it and you're really thriving and that's a great thing. And like I said, sometimes when you're in the heat of the of the grief, you don't see that as a possibility anymore. But I think I really just want to say that out loud there there that possibility certainly does exist. And I'm telling you, Alice, if next week my friendship goes to pot with this other person, I hope I have the stamina to just say, "Well, just keep going, you know, just keep not in a smug way. Notin a smug, smartass, arrogant way." I I really want to emphasize that. But if I get hurt, I just have to realize she has a way. She has her own life to lead and I still have mine. I don't want to be the person who clings to the raft, the first one that you know and then we both think. Exactly. And that great quote, don't be attached to the outcome. Yeah. Yes. So many things can happen, right? So many things can happen and if you're attached and trying to not you as a person if if a person is attached thinking oh wellnow you know maybe we'll do this maybe we'll do that you build up expectations right and become resentful if they don't work out. Alice, so right. So right. Exactly right. And I learned that from some really bright people because I didn't ever think, you know, well, this may happen, that may happen. Oh, it didn't. Well, you know what? I've just had enough of this, right? You know, and it just takes away so much of the negativity. It does. It does. And I think that's the irony of it is that uh the no plan isthe best plan in some ways. And and I've I've been experiencing that. I make kind of a joke about it and I but it's kind of true. It's not obviously like I don't have any plans or do do nothing is structured. Not by any means. But like you said about being attached to the outcome instead of saying well tomorrow I'm going to do this and this and this and then be like if tomorrow doesn't turn into that specific plan all you know it all goes to hell in a hand basket. No I'm just like hey let's see what happenstomorrow you know. Exactly. And that's so that's an adventure. It is it's much more so. And I think that is it's just it's like I said before we started recording, I'm easier on myself. I'm more accepting of myself. I'm not as impatient. I'm not as critical. It seems like I just am not carrying all this baggage I had years ago when I was in my 30s and 40s. Right. Right. Right. Yes. Yes. And I think that's a gift. It is a gift. Every decade you go through, you're not laden with those negative energiesthat took away a lot of joy. Exactly. You're so right. You're so right. And um there's this guy Joe Despensza. He's a big he's a big guru out there. And I I'll quote him because I've been reading him and listening to him because of my friend. And uh so he said, "Your reality is your energy. Your reality is your energy." And you know if you take a few seconds to let that sink in it is true because if I start getting negative feelings about whatever fear and I I mean like you just said what's happening politically and what'shappening internationally can be very scary and it's not that you shouldn't be aware of those things or be aware of whatever and have opinions but I think the point of it is if that energy takes over your sense of self, well then you're going to be all upset and pissed off and worried and oh my god, what am I going to do? And I have people around me like that are like that. Oh my god, we got to we got to stand up. We got to do this. We got to I'm going to make a new sign. Well, that's great. If that makesyou feel good, then you should do that. But the other part of that, and that's your energy, but the other part of that is to say, I'm not gonna let this stuff destroy the days of my life, you know, I'm just gonna let this stuff destroy the days of my life. And you know, and the be and part of that though, Alice, is that we do have each other as friends to reach out to. You have other friends, too. We can reach out to our friends for reassurance and support. But I think the other part of that is don't don't getswallowed up in all the other crap that's going on out there. Make your own positive energy to the best of your ability. And and then that's your life. That's your reality. You know, that's who you are and what your life is. And when I say it, sometimes I'm like, well, that's Polyianish or something. Well, it if it is. you know, it it's it's it's making lemons, you know, making lemonade out of lemons or something. It's just not letting this other stuff tear you down, including other people. We reallyhave to tie it up. We can talk forever and we're rounding the corner on an hour, but Alice, you are always such an energizing force to me and your energy is part of my reality. Well, thank you. And I feel the same way about you and we've helped each other without I well I guess it's more like I've noticed you reacting to things in a certain way and I've thought oh I could do that too where you never said to me why don't you try not to do why don't you do that you know we just sort of model for eachother without intentionally trying to tell the other person what to do. So well said again, El. Yes. role model being yourself. Let that person maybe see by your example, but don't try to fix me and don't try to certainly don't try to rush it up. Exactly. Oh my god. Exactly. Because it's not going to work and it's not loving and kind. Right. Exactly. So, you know, it's it's just not Alice, this is why you said we should do this podcast. I'm thrilled we're doing it. I do think we are helping each otherand I do think we have certain words of wisdom to share with others and um thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing your Well, you too. and thank you for doing um all the tech work with this and um it's just another part of our adventures, you know. It's just wonderful. And I think too that we're so grateful and I think gratitude is a really important part like you were saying earlier, how great I'm so grateful every day. Today I was telling a friend that and she said, "Well, what are you grateful for?" And Irattled off six things in no time. See, just in the tone at all. Just in the tone of your voice. What are you What are you grateful for? People can be envious of that and they can be jealous of that or they can be skeptical of that. they can they can try to steer you down or steer you away from what you've just tried to say and you just you know like you said I'm not bragging about how damn happy am and lucky I am I'm not bragging and I'm not saying get over it you know be happy too but but there's acertain element of just like you're saying um gravitate if you can towards the good parts of your life and let people follow or not let them make their own decisions I got to run. You hear who's crying now? Oh, it's time for a walk. It's Dinger. Yeah. He says, "I got to go, Daddy. You've done enough jabbering." Oh my god, Alice. I love you. But love you, too. All right. We'll talk again soon. Okay. Great. Byebye.