I’ve been debating this whole issue of whether or not to get an endoscopy and a colonoscopy and now I’m leaning towards canceling both procedures and this is what led me to the situation. Many times through all the years of my life there’s been times when you start to choke on something you just say oh went down the wrong way so it could be a liquid or a solid or whatever but it happens once in a while and then when it happened within my family, somebody would pat you on the back whether it was my mother or my sister that was the immediate response you had Pat them on the back well when I married Tess, she’s a nurse she didn’t do that and then I found that Lauren didn’t do that either. What did they do? They basically watched. Why did they do that? I guess because as long as you’re coughing as long as you’re trying to breathe, you’re better off just letting it happen. Just letting nature take its course. I’ve never passed out so I don’t know what your next steps would be but anyway during the Thanksgiving visit, I was sitting in the cold waiting for them to kind of finish what they were doing recreationally they were ice-skating Linda I mean Lauren and West were ice-skating. I’m not sure where Sam and Nolan were at that point but I stayed in the shelter area and was having a beer I guess anyway bottom line is I started to choke and ironically it wasn’t anything that I was eating or drinking it was just kind of my little esophagus started to shut down and then it got stuck and I couldn’t breathe and I was embarrassed. I guess in a little bit panicked because I thought oh my God here I am choking over nothing and none of my family is there and I just didn’t know what to do and generally what I try to do is keep enough breath and made it to force out and bottom line was I was fine and but I was cold and eventually they got done doing what they’re doing and we all went home and I mentioned to Lauren again almost in a joking way how I had almost choked death just sitting there doing nothing well she kind of responded medically she said there was a procedure that you could do where they would expand your esophagus and it was really easy and it would take away that problem. I don’t know if she said she did it or not but anyway, that was the impetus of this whole thing so then I go to my own doctor and you know he asks you if you have any problems any issues or whatever and I think I told him about the choking thing and I joked again that I’ll probably die choking because I’ll die of embarrassment anyway he suggests this procedure called endoscopy. He said it was really easy. You just go in the office and they stick a little tube down your throat if they see any problems they just expand it with a balloon and they said it would just be kind of a one step procedure no big deal so I said go ahead you know recommended or refer it and that’s what he did so I go for the Appointment and this young guy comes in and he’s very well spoken very quick and he does this very quick verbal assessment and you know makes a lot of notes mostly just factual stuff. Nothing specifically about choking although I guess I told him that episode. Next thing you know he’s got me signed up for an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. Now here’s my problem and I said this to my dental hygienist while she was cleaning my teeth and we both laughed and talked about it. I said never once did they say stick out your tongue and say now the PA kind of did that from a distance, but you know usually when you go to the doctor, they look in your ears a little scope, they use its tongue depressor and look in your throat and they I don’t know what else they do. They palpitate your lungs, your hard or whatever you listen to your heart bottom line is they never did that my doctor didn’t do it, and this guy didn’t do it so here I am signing up for two procedures one of which we had decided. I really didn’t need to do the colonoscopy why because be honest with you if I did have colon cancer I wouldn’t want to treat it. I don’t think I would wanna treat it and I certainly don’t wanna know about it. Why do I not wanna know about it because ignorance is bliss because as the little child said the worst part of cancer is knowing that you have it now I feel healthy. I’m strong reasonably you know I have reasonably good eyesight, hearing and other functioning in fact better than my friends better than my Poeer group but you know I am getting older and I’m getting weaker and I have my aches and pains and so forth, but I’m sitting there thinking I don’t really wanna go get this procedure. I don’t really wanna get a colonoscopy and go through drinking all those fluids and everything and doing out all that prep work and then I don’t wanna get the endoscopy because I don’t really have any symptoms. Yeah I choke once in a while everybody does I even got a little device that you can use to unclog your throat if something goes on your throat and one of our colleagues we worked with at Cedar Springs died, choking on a piece of steak. She told me about him. We kind of joke about it. Don’t be a clock out that’s his name but the point is I don’t have any symptoms. I can swallow just fine but a little research I’ve done people that have true throat structures or restrictions have scarring and other issues and they have a hard time swallowing now there I just caught myself a little bit, but I don’t have that if anything I just kind of forget that I’m chewing or swallowing or drinking and then you know I might choke on something temporarily now I’m not saying that I can’t happen but I’m saying that it’s very unlikely that they’re going to do that balloon procedure and I don’t know if there’s a distinction with the terminology between exploring with the endoscopy and actually doing the balloon procedure so I might look that up but again I even talked with AI about it and I’m not sure right now what they recommended but you know the endoscopy just seems very elective. I talked to Linda about it. She had one she’s not saying yay or nay that I should do it but she said really there’s nothing to it. There’s no side effects or after effects so she said don’t worry about it but here again I just don’t know if I want to get either one or both procedures so I flip between getting both and don’t make a big deal about it and doing neither and don’t make a big deal about that. The other issue is Jennifer. I really love Jennifer. I’m crazy about her and I use the word love a lot around her because she says and those things that I just feel like you know, I say I love you and I’m not saying it in some kind of so you know super romantic way or oh gosh all emotional in that kind of thing it’s just a kind of a fun thing in fact, that’s what it is. It’s just fun and we do fun things, and I have helped her with her medical procedures basically by being there by taking her there and then bringing her an ice cream milkshake you know while she’s getting her infusions and she’s been a real trooper about it and she’s had some medical benefits from it but for myself, I don’t want her having to take care of me and I guess that’s ego and I don’t know what I’m gonna do if I really do get sick you know while we’re together because you know what am I gonna do just go to hibernation? I don’t know but the idea that I have to have her drive me home bothers me and another young lady that I I’m close with more that I know through a different way. She’s very caring person and she offered to help me out and provide transportation and if you read this then you know who I’m talking about but I’m not gonna use your name but the point is I’m very flattered that somebody cares enough to help me out let alone flattered that somebody takes time to read this Park, which really nobody does, but the point is here. The reason I’m doing all this verbalizing is to help myself think it through think out the pros and cons and then make a decision today’s Thursday tomorrow’s Friday the next the procedures next Friday I think I can cancel it without a problem. I think what I really need to do is get comfortable truly comfortable with the reality of death and that doesn’t mean that I want to fall in love with it or expedited or you know take action to create it, but I think that is on the agenda and all these other interventions can become too much a part of your life. I’ve got a couple of friends right now that I’ve cancer and everything that happens around them. It’s overshadowed by all they have cancer that is now their identity now they got treatment and they’re doing pretty well with the treatment but at this age, how much treatment can they get before the inevitable takes its course meanwhile, they have to live with it every day I don’t because I don’t have it and I don’t know that I have it and I don’t wanna know if I have it. Tess had cancer. I know she did and I know because she’s a nurse she knew she did but she didn’t let on about it. She never pursued treatment. It was. She was never diagnosed with it until the day literally the week of her death at that point she had become so weak and unable to control her bowels or anything else I was taking her back-and-forth to the bathroom. I was walking up and down the halls. I was taking care of her and even then I was still believing that may be a vitamin B shot or something would help her you get better and I tried to expedite her medical appointment and she got angry with me about that and you know that was one of the reasons I didn’t say or do anything because she was always the nurse who knew it all and you know if I did something even if it, even if it was the right thing she you know could get very angry about it now my point is test died knowing that she had cancer, but she only lived a few days literally until it took its final toll and I admire test. I mean, I love her and you know we told each other we loved each other in those final days. I don’t really have any guilt except I wished I’m more. I’m more or less wish I had said it more and said it louder, but that would’ve been obnoxious that was not the way we were but there was just one day when Tess said to me so sincerely she said why is everybody being so nice to me and I said because we love you and you know she stopped and she looked at me and she said I love you and you know, 46 years of marriage, you can kind of take it for granted, but you never really should or you never really do but we thought that those people who are on the phone and then always end the conversation with I love you. We always thought that was kind of silly so we didn’t do those kind of things but when we did say something, we meant it now losing test was devastating the first couple weeks. I think I was just you know in shock. I’ve said that many times I was in shock. I have things to do. I have a funeral the funeral to arrange. Oh, it’s not a funeral. It’s a Service. It’s a celebration of life. God tests we get pissed at me if I use the wrong word like funeral instead of celebration of life or whatever but you know these terms to me were somewhat interchangeable but bottom line is you know we were busy taking care of her and then when she passed We were busy taking care of the arrangements and then I actually told the kids to leave to go home to leave me alone cause I needed to know what it was going to feel like I needed to go to that place where I’d be all alone because I knew I knew that process or whatever of the busyness after someone passes away and how that business kind of keeps you going for a while I needed to know if I could sustain my sense of sanity you know I needed to see just how depressed I would be and I was as I said I was in shock you know, but I started doing the Blog I started doing this. I started talking to Alice about you know things and we started recording our tape taping our phone calls because she liked what I was saying. She said you know she thought what we were talking about could be helpful to other people and then it was another woman involved. I called her penpal because you know we started corresponding by Email and she was extremely supportive and I really started caring about her as a person, but I knew I didn’t wanna get involved romantically and I kind of got angry at her for using hug and 😘 but then I said you know I wasn’t mean to her, but I just said I’m just not into romance and anyway I won’t go into detail about that in this spot. The main thing is now I am in love with Jennifer. I use the hug and 😘 we can kind of do a tongue and cheek kind of half jokingly but then there’s a sincere feeling and like I said whether it’s my ego or not, I feel good taking care of her. I have always said I don’t want somebody taking care of me and whether that’s ego pride or whatever it might be I still feel that Way and I’m concerned that you kind of find yourself inching into it or waiting into it. You don’t wake up one day answer oh I need somebody to take care of me. You know I’m disabled. I need somebody to take care of me. No, you know you go for a test you find out you have this you find out you have cancer but you know they can give you treatment you know they can put your medication or they can do radiation where they can do this for that fine and Danny that’s great but now I’d be labeled now. Hope Pete has cancer. Oh my God oh poor Pete I don’t want that. I don’t want anybody to know including myself now maybe when I stop talking and dictating this I’ll think about it and think about is that stupid or is that stubborn or what it is Tess always said how stubborn I was ha ha oh it’s so funny because see Jennifer doesn’t know any of these things yet or maybe she does but you know when you’re not living together which I don’t wanna live together you’re not in each other space every minute you’re not subjected to all this stuff and that’s why I love it that’s why I love living down the street from her. You know she called this afternoon. She doesn’t feel well and she mentioned stomach issues so I know what that means and she said I know you don’t like bodily function so she didn’t describe it and that’s great that’s fine and I went to the Godspell play tonight by myself. You know it was fine. It was good. You know I called her. I sent her a video you know I knew she was with me emotionally and I need to be on my own physically and emotionally so it was a good little test because here again I know I’m gonna lose her. I don’t know how or when I don’t know if tonight is more than just a little Digestive issue I just don’t know, but I do know that I can take care of her I don’t want her to have to take care of me. I think I’ll just stop talking right now because you know I’m dictating this and I am putting my personal feelings and thoughts out there in public as I said I don’t really think anybody reads it including myself. I don’t go back and read it, but in my own mind that I get it off my chest and that’s the whole point of it so probably I’ll come back and tell you what my decision was but right now it’s good night and watch more beetle movies and maybe play chess a few more times.