I wanna make love with you, but I don’t wanna sleep with you or I don’t wanna have sex….

There, I said it that was essentially the bear in the room or the elephant in the room. You know it’s like we’ve been going out now for a year. We’ve been kissing good night now for almost all that year and you know the first time I kissed I announced that I said I’m gonna kiss you now and she said OK or she just leaned in and it’s been like that it’s been a very innocent loving romantic relationship and it’s just been so much fun And I just wanna keep it that way I just wanna keep it kind of light and innocent and loving and fun. I love kissing her. I love holding her or hugging her and hugged her too tight on a couple of vacations and she is so sensitive and I heard her a little bit one time and I was just so apologetic but ultimately, I think we both love each other care about each other a lot. 

But the thing is with most relationships essentially all male female relationships. Ultimately you have intercourse and prior to marriage that was you know what you did that was you might say the goal of your dating was you know? When are you gonna have sex and so you know that was 46 years ago or when I was 50 years ago, but you know now I just turned 78 years old you just don’t have that same focus and it’s not that I don’t want her on a certain level that way, but I also just don’t feel like it’s worth the risk he might say of moving into that level of relationship, which can only lead to what marriage or breaking up and I don’t wanna get married either and it’s not that I don’t wanna make that level of commitment and that’s something else I struggle with because in my mind, we are married because the vows of marriage are for richer for poor and sickness and in health to death to us part and that’s how I feel towards Jennifer, I just love her. I don’t see any other predictable changes in our relationship, but we live apart and I think there’s a very deep or broad safety net in living in our own world our own homes just as simple thing as the thermostat setting I like to keep it cold she likes to keep it warm. She gets bundled up. I’m running around in T-shirts now. That’s great when you’re not living together because you know when she comes over like last night, I turned on the heat specifically for her, which is fine, which is fun. I turned on the fireplace which I had turned off, but it got unusually cold here in the early days of May and you know again I have fun catering to her, but if we were living in the same house and all that newness kind of wore off, heck I’m not gonna walk around the sweat box and you know I can’t sleep at night because it’s too hot. I’m already looking for ways to keep the place cold but anyway I turned this into a rambling act of a blog post again but you know how do I say I love you I want you. I need you without bonding that with sexual intimacy so that’s what we did. That’s what we didn’t do if she came over. I asked her to come over for breakfast. It was very spontaneous, but I have been thinking about this and so I asked you to come over for breakfast and she did and then while I was making breakfast and messing around, she brought over a quiche that we were gonna heat up in the oven and I had made this fruit concoction that is really good and so while the oven was preheating, I let her by the hand into my bedroom and I said let’s lie down together and we did I mean she didn’t even hesitate. She didn’t hesitate on the way down there or when we got in the room and you know I got I climbed up on the bed and she followed and then you know she said left or right I put her on my right side so I could put my arm around her and you know it was wonderful. It was again it was magical. It was like the night before when we watched the moon or stood there in her front yard, looking at the moon together, and I was holding her with my arm wrapped around her standing behind her and I just you know I buried my head in her billy hair and kissed your neck or tried to, but it was there was nothing really awkward about it. It was just you know it was just romantic, and then here we were now laying in our bed. My bed in was testing mine bedroom and I think I said to her I’m not gonna do anything to you. I kind of felt like I see it needed to reassure her for some reason I feel like she’s so delicate in many ways and so anyway it was it was the perfect thing I laid back on the you know on the pillows against the headboard and she laid into my arm into my right arm and later head on my chest and Zeke we found we laughed because Zeke planted himself right on top of us right between us resting on both our legs not in between us like he is on the couch but on top of us as if bonding us together the three of us and we just lay there and we talked a little bit we talked about gosh what are we talk about? I have to think to think what we were talking about, but it was just normal things little things that we’re going on in our lives that we’re thinking about people that we’re dealing with whatever it was just the continuing the continuation of our ongoing conversation last night we watched this guy about dousing, and you know he was very serious about dousing, and you know manifesting things that he wanted to help improve it was all it was all good and I think that’s why I accepted. He was dozing and showing you how you use this instrument to ask a question and get an answer yes or no or positive energy or negative energy and then he did this water purification thing and we sat there with our glasses of water and we eventually tasted the water after we did it. We spent like a half an hour talking in between and it turns out that Jennifer had gone to him or talked to him on the phone, she went and saw him as a speaker at an event and then she called him on the phone when she was trying to decide if she should take this job in Charlotte and I couldn’t believe that she actually called and talk to this guy, but this is kind have seriously she gets into this. We call it Woohoo stuff and even though I can sit here and say, I honestly don’t believe it. I also have an open mind about it and I think that’s the big difference because God test would’ve just blew her top about this stuff and amazingly enough. I almost told Jennifer the story of how Tessa had gone over to Karel‘s house for I think a solstice celebration or something, and one of the women on the way in when they were talking, said you know souls, I mean, rocks have souls and Tess called me and she wanted out of there. She said I’m leaving. I don’t want to be part of this, I don’t wanna be here. She wanted out of there and baby when she got uncomfortable in a social situation she wanted it out away and this happened a couple of times with us which we went to this thing at Lake Julian and they were searching for stuff with the GPS Geo tagging or something I forget anyway bottom line is she likes Jennifer she knew she was woo. She said you’re one of those wahoo people but she still like Jennifer And now here I am basically in love with Jennifer And in a whole different way. She’s a whole different person and I’m experiencing a whole different way of life and this way of life does not involve physical sex with the one I love so let’s end this blog post. I can’t believe I’m able to dictate this but here it is.