OK, I set up to go for an endoscopy and a colonoscopy on Friday, May 29, I need somebody to be there with me to take me home because I’ll be under anesthesia. This makes me start thinking about it because I’ll need to tell Jennifer And of course she’ll want to be there for me, but it makes her now intimately involved with my medical decisions and so I’ve tried to research it and think about it before even mentioning it to her to try to figure out whether I should go through the procedures or maybe just not do them. The other big issue is my PSA of 14.85 which is high and could be an indication of cancer and he didn’t make any referrals for me on this. I don’t know if I talked him out of it during the visit. I just don’t remember, but according to ChatGPT, that’s a more critical issue.

I very definitely have symptoms of the enlarged prostate. I mean, I pee probably almost every hour and I can’t hold it and he did that fingerstick which as Dr. Taylor put it I don’t like it. You don’t like it. Let’s get it over with so he laughed at that and that’s the point we kinda have a I don’t know almost a buddy relationship myself and Dr. Kevin, I joke about calling him a Boy Scout like he’s not a real doctor. I really just don’t know. I think what I’m dealing with is on an intellectual level. I know death is imminent. I know I’m going to die. I’m trying to get comfortable with that, but I don’t wanna die of miserable symptoms and I don’t wanna die of things that can be easily prevented like getting vaccinations so that’s what I’ll do Monday. I’ll call and make sure that I can get any vaccinations that I’m eligible for, but when it comes to diagnostic procedures, it raises the what if scenario what if they do the PSA test and they do see cancer now all of a sudden I have cancer and I quote this kid all the time saying the worst part of cancer is knowing that you have it well what if that turns into me what if now I know I have cancer do I keep that a secret do I not tell Jennifer do I not tell Lauren do I go for treatment? Do I not go for treatment and I already lie awake at night am I gonna lie awake worrying about this so it raises a dilemma now right now blowing my nose cause I don’t really feel 100% I have like a little bit of a cold, I guess.

I see myself as being reasonably healthy you know I’m working out on E gym I got to the gold level I hike you know 45 miles uphill not on the level I used to do with Chip but you know I push myself and I can stay with ahead of my Poeer group basically John and Dave, but here’s the problem. I have three or four listed health issues. I have the choking issue which is to me minor but it’s you know if it happens I could literally choke to death, especially being at home by myself. The irony of that is that it happens without a whole lot of provocation. It can be while I’m eating food while I’m inhaling while eating food or it has happened where I’m just sitting there in my esophagus it seems to close down on me now. ChatGPT says I should get my endoscopy to check that out. Chad also says that the colonoscopy is very optional at my age. The elephant in the room is the PSA of 1485 that’s 14.85 that is considered very high and we’ve not taken any steps to go to urologist or have that further checked so again that’s something I probably should think about doing if it can be treated succinctly by that I mean, can they take the prostate out and eliminate the potential of having cancer so that’s a consideration and the next Alvin in the room is the aorta the aneurysm he tells me on the last visit that I have an aneurysm. Well, that’s a scary word you know then he says oh his secretary is supposed to tell me that well that would’ve been even worse I guess hey by the way you have an aneurysm now they set me up for a test, but I didn’t go now I’m double thinking that should I go and get that check because the part of me is thinking at least you know severe heart attack would be fatal and it wouldn’t be doing a lot of suffering for a long time and I wouldn’t you know I’d be labeled after the fact that we had a rat. He had an aneurysm if they happen to read my medical record or this Blog they know that I knew I had it. Why didn’t you get it fixed? Why didn’t you get a check but at least I’d be gone and see I say that because I think death is gonna be OK you know my belief is death is gonna be OK but that doesn’t mean I’m not kind of afraid of it. You know I don’t want to voluntarily cross over but I do worry well what if I had cancer and what if I was getting chemotherapy and what if I was starting to go broke and what if this and what if that those are the worries, it’ll just drive you nuts and push you to a point of either suicide or you know living in misery and I don’t want that so if somebody said luck we’re gonna give you three ways to go heart attack prostate cancer or choked to death. Which one do you want you know maybe that’s a good question because when you’re choking, it’s pretty panicky. I mean I’m in a panic and you’re starting to worry and you only have minutes maybe or less but it’s like oh my God I gotta get my breath. Gotta get my breath. It’s like drowning in mid air. It’s a terrible feeling, but I’ve always gotten through it prostate cancer. You know Papa had prostate cancer and test said well you know they’re just gonna watch it they’re not gonna do anything because he’s this age. I don’t know how old he was at that time. I could maybe try to figure it out but you know maybe he was in his early 80s really what differences it make you know differences you know for us at that time. Oh you know Papa’s old so they’re not gonna treat the cancer now I’m Papa you know so from the point of view of Lauren you know Papa‘s getting old now she doesn’t want anything to happen to me. I know that and I know that she loves me and wants me to be healthy. You know be taken care of myself and all the good stuff, but you know she wouldn’t want to be taken care of me for years and I don’t wanna be in a nursing home like the people I’m visiting. I just don’t. I’m good as a caretaker. I’m not good as a car receiver I’m gonna take Zeke out.